A View From the Mop

Contests & My Teeth
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

Monica and me we eat a lot of bread that has been kept in a ball, we have balled it up with our fists, because that keeps it from getting dried out. It is mushy as shit that way, but if the bread gets dried out then we have to crunch through it and Monica and me, we have terrible teeth. Hell, most of my teeth are near gone. My whistle sounds like wind. I need to get them fixed, my teeth, but they cost me too much. Do you know how much they will charge you for one goddamn tooth?

And then I clean this place tonight and what do I see but a stack of checks, a bunch of paper that people have signed and what is it for? So that these idiots here they will read some asshole's story. People pay money to this office, the place Monica and I clean every day, all so that some tight-ass in a suit or a tie or a collared shirt will read their writing and write something back. And I have read what they write back too, like "this needs work, but good effort." Hell, I could write that much and I'm half stupid.

So yeah, send me a check. Goddamn. Send me your pennies and your nickels. I'm not too proud to sit under a tree and put coins into those rolls you get from the bank. I don't mind spending lunch with Monica eating balled up bread and making stacks of pennies. And I will be happy to write you something back. It's not a contest and you can't win anything by paying me, but I will read what you write if you send me a few bucks. I will even say what I think. I am not a good reader but I know about stories and I can say more than just "this needs work, but good effort". And it will maybe be enough to fix my teeth, if everyone sends me a few coins with a paper or two. Send away, because I am tired of chewing just on this one side.