Monday, 16 March 2009

A View From the Mop

Pose-Modern & Monica
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

My girl Monica, she doesn’t speak a g__mn word of english, but she cleans toilets pretty good. She wears a straw hat when she vacuums and the people around here when they stay late they try to be nice, say hi, but they always call her Maria. She doesn’t understand a g___mn word they say to her so she just says hi, hola, and goes back to the toilets and the backpack vacuum.

Tonight on a desk I was cleaning with a rag and a bottle in my hands I saw this thing said pose-modern or I don’t know what but I can’t tell who the f__k cares about this shit when the governments are bailing out all the car-makers and banks. An uncle I have was replaced by a robot that turns screws and my grandfather had to go when they figured out that all the s__t he did was s__t anyone else could do but for probably cheaper. I clean the s__t here but who knows for how long.

But this pose-modern thing or whatever it was, I picked it up like I do around here, pick up people’s things when they aren’t looking and shake them sometimes, this stack of pages I sat and read because it looked rough like it had a real going over from the a__holes around this pretend office and I couldn’t find my way out of it. Crows and fish and rocks and people without names, all this her and him and she and whatever.

I’ve never seen a moon that is a fish or any g___amn thing. Every time I look at the moon its either full or its not or it is a sliver. And yes it shines but it isn’t a lighthouse or a woman’s face or a door to some place. Pose-modern I don’t even know what the f__k that means when people are losing their jobs and my girl Monica is stuck wiping up toilets for people who think her name is Maria but don’t care anyway because she just smiles and waves to them with her pudgy little fingers. J__us f__k C__st.

Jove 'Lanky' Lank is one of LWOT's oldest employees and has been cleaning the office since 1967 when he immigrated to Canada from Australia. His rantings first appeared in the pages of LWOT in the April 1974 issue as punishment for accidentally throwing out one of Gradey Alexander's manuscripts. Alexander beleived the embarassment at seeing the "lunatic ravings that are about as palatable as a teaspoon of cat litter mixed with acorns" would lead the janitor to quit in disgrace. Instead "A View From The Mop" went on to become one of the magazine's most popular features. 

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