Champions of LWOT: Craig Davidson

"The Crippler" Loses Fight, Maintains Virility

Novelist Craig Davidson returned to the ring this past week to face his toughest opponent since the specimen jar. Davidson squared off against Jean-Luc Picard look-alike and Fiona Apple suitor Jonathan "The Herring Wonder" Ames at Gleason's Gym in Brooklyn, New York. The event, organized by Soho Press, was in support of the American launch of Davidson’s novel The Fighter, the same book for which he earlier risked his safety and high sperm motility when he faced steroid-enthusiast/poet Michael "The Coughin’ Nail" Knox.


With his manliness recently affirmed by Calgary's Diagnostic Semen Laboratory (CDSL), Davidson undertook a rigorous training regimen that saw him drop 20 lbs and develop a sculptured physique rivalling that of legendary literary critic Northrop Frye.


Davidson, however, faced an unfriendly welcome when he entered the ring. The pro-Ames crowd let loose a symphony of derisory calls during the Canadian writer’s introduction, among them “Go Home, Commie!” and the always effective “Daaaaaaarryl! Daaaaaarryl!”


Ostensibly a "sparring exhibition" (so demoted due to a New York state law that prevents fighters of Ames’ advanced age from fighting sanctioned amateur bouts against men with a sperm concentration higher than 40 million per millimetre) the battle was limited to three rounds, all three of which – according to the modified Stableford Scoring Sytem – were handily won by Davidson and the veritable army of super-powered gametes nestled safely behind his size-XXL protective codpiece.

In fact, it was this protective measure that may have cost Davidson the fight. Due to the awkward size of his groin-padding, Davidson’s lateral mobility was limited, allowing Ames to score easy points with a flurry of limp-wristed slaps to the mid-section. Davidson's youth – combined with his scientifically proven ability to father children – had Ames on the defensive for most of the evening, but in the end judges chose to award the bout to the hometown favourite. According to boxing analyst and former amateur fighter “Irish” Ira Weinstein, Davidson was “robbed like a fishmonger.”


When the fight was over, however, there were no hard feelings between the two fighters. They embraced, and were met in their respective corners by increasingly obscure female torch-singers from the 90s: Ames by new flame Fiona Apple, and Davidson by a bikini-clad Tori Amos, who treated his wounds with a mixture of aloe and hemlock.

Though Davidson’s record as an amateur fighter is now 0-2, he still retains a winning record at the CDSL.