LWOT

Hiatuses!

2011-11-27T18:38:00.000-08:00

There's a talk for talk and a time for action.

This is a time for action.

LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine has temporarily stopped accepting submissions until Community is safe. With the show on hiatus and teetering ever closer to cancellation the LWOT editors couldn't sit idly by while one of the best sitcoms on television goes the way of Arrested Development.

Until loyal viewers and readers mobilize to save the show.

Here are some suggestions:

massive blanket fort outside NBC headquarters.
send the president of NBC tubes of Hawthorne Wipes.
Greendale Human Being flash mob.
something scary garden gnomes.
boycott every NBC show that isn't on Thursday nights (except Chuck).
send the president stuffed monkeys holding pens.

That's all. Please don't send us submissions until further notice.

You buy now!

2011-08-12T19:12:00.000-07:00

Yes, we are still alive.

Despite a recent hiatus from posting, the LWOT editors would like to assure our noble, loyal readers we do in fact still exist.

That being said, go here and buy some books from Mud Luscious Press.

It's a limited time offer so act now before it's too late.

This Day in LWOT Merchandise

2011-06-08T16:31:00.000-07:00

As LWOT gets set for the coming apocalypse, we're re-launching our unique LWOT branded merchandise starting with this dog dish. If you buy one overpriced ceramic pet bowl this year, make it this one.

Under Construction

2011-02-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

LWOT is currently undergoing some maintenance as we upload our latest issue. One of our interns will be swiftly beaten for his ineptitude that lead to the delay and we'll try to have the site back up as soon as possible.

Yours truthfully

The LWOT editors

Stop the Press

2010-09-12T12:04:00.000-07:00

Mud Luscious Press, purveyor of fine literature since a few years ago, has opened its vault in a blind faith subscription drive. You too can own a potential literary masterpiece with a $35 subscription to the MLP 2011 catalog. Offer good until covers are confirmed so click these underlined words to order today.

Indie Writers Deathmatch IV: The Deathiest Match

2010-08-25T16:24:00.000-07:00

Remember when your short story and its big brother would spend every day together, and your story hung on every word he said, like it was advice from God himself? See, your story's big brother was a fighter, a champ, the best around. At least he was the best until a bigger, stronger story beat him. Not content to just win the bigger story killed him, snapped him like a twig, snuffed him out like an anniversary dinner candle.

Well now's your chance for revenge. Face off against some of the deadliest short fiction in the Broken Pencil Indy Writers Deathmatch.

The deadline, like your impending doom, is drawing near.

The LWOT Panel

2010-05-02T07:38:00.000-07:00

We ask the LWOT Panel what's the last great book you read? What made it so great?

Glen Dresser - Correction Road

The last great book I read was Norwood, the 1966 debut novel by Charles Portis.

I love this subtely comic story about a young marine vet, travelling from his home in Ralph, Texas to New York City to collect a $70 debt from an army buddy, and then back home again. In Norwood Pratt, Portis has created a protagonist who is in many ways the opposite of Kerouac's Sal Paradise, although I can imagine the two of them meeting in a boxcar in Pennsylvania or a roadside diner in Virginia and possibly enjoying each other's company for a few miles, despite their differences. (Norwood actually inquires, when in New York, if an acquaintance knows any beatniks, and is introduced to a guitar-playing girl with whom he entirely fails to get anywhere.)

But Norwood, who's dream is to go to Shreveport and sing on the Louisiana Hayride show, tries to believe the best about people, can fall in love quickly and sincerely, and tries to keep his nose clean. In addition to meeting the girl he intends to marry, he befriends the former world's smallest perfect man (no longer so small since his appetite invoked a growth spurt), and liberates a performing chicken named Joann The Wonder Hen. He asks everyone he meets what they earn and if expenses are paid, whether the individual is a cotton field surveyer, a bread delivery man, or a surly Mr Peanut mascot; it is, for him, as innocent a conversation-starter as asking about the weather. The dialog is bright and fast and Portis, from Arkansas himself, does a wonderful job of capturing the dialects of his native region. He constructs a vivid sense of place almost completely through the characters that inhabit each stop along the way.

Craig Davidson - Sarah Court

I read Mystic River, by Dennis Lehane recently and was blown away. I've been reading a lot of crime fiction lately, and that stood out as being particularly wonderful; the crime itself isn't reall a whodunit, although it is - it's just that it's less important overall than the emotions behind the crime, the reaction to it, and the way Lehane handles his character and his setting of working-class Boston that is so brilliant. He's been big with the movies - Mystic River, Gone Baby Gone, and Shutter Island. I've seen and really enjoyed the first two; the third is something of a departure for Lehane and from what I hear not as good, either the book or the film, but it's also his most popular work so far.

Mike Allison - oxygen officianado

I'm going to be honest: the last thing that really impressed me was Stephen King's Dark Tower series.

I know it's not one book, and I realize it isn't the sort of work upon which conversations on "great fiction" are normally based (except among those winding down from games of D&D). It's probably a little derivative -- a patchwork of scenes and themes from books and movies Stephen King grew up reading -- and maybe I wasn't on-board at every turn the narrative took, but the series is great, if only for it's epic-ness. Those seven books haunted Stephen King for over thirty years, and rumour has it he's plugging away on an eighth.

King works his ass off. Maybe he doesn't have a story about genocide in Africa, or of poor immigrants coming to North America, or anything that can be seen as a portrait of a generation. He's just an average joe with some cool, creepy ideas he wants to get out there, and he sits down at his desk every day and hammers them out. As a writer, I can't help but be inspired by that. The Dark Tower series is a testament to what can be done if you want it bad enough.

I could go on, but Stephen King doesn't need any more praise, so I'll end this little Reading Rainbow review by saying: if you at all like cowboys, trains, robots, witches, bad guys, magic, or anything that might fall into the genres of sci-fi, fantasy, horror, or western you should read these books (number IV, Wizard and Glass is my favourite -- an excellent western). Or better yet, listen to the audiobooks because the late great Frank Muller reads the first four and he is perfect.

I've embarrassed myself enough for now. Next time I'll outline why Dean Koontz deserves James Joyce's spot on the Modern Library's 100 best novels list.

J.A Tyler - Mud Luscious Press

James Chapman’s The Rat Veda. Mud Luscious Press featured an excerpt in our chapbook series last year, and we will have a new excerpt from it in our eleventh online issue (April 2010), but the book, all together, is beyond tremendous. The power and subtlety that Chapman is able to wrench from words, the combination of emotions and images is truly visionary. He takes simple notions and twists them, burns them, buries them, smothers them until they can’t breathe, until they come out blue-faced and panting and panicked and insatiable. I cannot say enough about Chapman’s skills, and The Rate Veda is a most brilliant example. Here is a little bit, direct from the book:

There’s no subway, no tunnel, no cellar.

The falsehood collapses.

There isn’t any house, the house is a fiction.

There aren’t walls, so there’s not outside and inside.

Those are a misunderstanding.

Rat, walk, you’re free.

You’re not here.

It’s over.

The tension is broken.

The fantasy collapses.

There’s no Rat.

Touch the inside of the moon with your head.

Fly slowly, lying on your back on an atom.

No one thinks about you, no one sees you, you don’t want them to love you, you’re gone.

If you dance, you don’t even know it.

Call For Submissions

2010-04-30T07:26:00.000-07:00

LWOT publishes the very best writing by the very best writers in Canada (and sometimes by Americans who pretend, in their cover letters, to be Canadian). We only publish fiction, though our understanding of the term fiction is pretty loose (and can be summed up, for the most part, by our title). Quite simply, if you're lying, it's fiction.

To continue our more than 100 year tradition of publishing the finest fiction the world has ever seen we need submissions. Lots of them. That's why we're sending out this call for submissions. If you're an aspiring writer, multiple-times bestseller, named Yann Martel or Martin Amis send your work to lwoteditors@gmail. For more information on our submission guidelines direct your the Internet browsing device here.

Stop the Press

2010-03-28T06:50:00.000-07:00

J.A. Tyler, the second most prolific man in literature, has an earth-shattering, mind-melting, spleen-bursting contest going on over at Mud Luscious Press. Get your creative juices flowing with this delicious bookmark creation competition. Your unique contribution could soon grace the pages of Mud Luscious chapbooks and novellas around the globe. For more details click the underlined letters here.

Did You Know...

2010-03-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

...zebra fish that are white with black stripes will attack and kill zebra fish that are black with white stripes?

This Day In LWOT History

2010-03-24T05:01:00.000-07:00

March 24, 1982

The world celebrates the inaugural "Hug a Writer Day."

Former LWOT editor Gradey Alexander started the semi-holiday as a way to annoy his rival Mordecai Richler in the hope Richler's fans would interrupt the celebrated story teller's lunch at Schwartz's Deli. Alexander also hoped to disrupt the famous delicatessen's lunch service after they banned him because of an altercation during which he flung a seven inch sliced pickle at Richler's autographed picture.

The plan backfired when a group of rabid Kensington Market fans gathered outside the LWOT office where they waited for the chance to hug Alexander on his way home from work. Alexander thwarted their attempts and slept in his office on several stacks of the magazine's back issues which he fashioned into a make shift bed.

"Surely these women, comely as they are, could find some other poor soul to torment. O'Groussny never had to deal with this foolishness and he was famous for his taste in women," Alexander said after the women left, although he never elaborated on what he meant about his predecessor's taste in women.

Once news of the stakeout spread it became an annual tradition as fans made the pilgrimage to Moncton, making Hug a Writer Day the busiest of the year for local eatery Boomerang's Steakhouse. It also lead to LWOT staffers dubbing Alexander "The Bloomin' Onion" behind his back in honour of the stake house's signature dish.

The botched plan is also thought by some to be the reason behind Alexander's reclusive tendencies and his move to Whitehorse, Yukon, although the occasional fan still manages to track him down in the hopes of giving him a hug. Despite his distaste for what the day has become and his best efforts to stop it, thousands still celebrate by wrapping their arms around their favourite writers every March 24.

Did You Know...

2010-03-20T06:37:00.000-07:00

...Stephen Harper is the only Prime Minister who was unable to grow a beard?

Prepare For Launch

2010-03-16T16:08:00.000-07:00

The Space Shuttle Discovery isn't the only thing flying into the stratosphere this month as Richard Scarsbrook celebrates the launch of his latest masterpiece The Monkeyface Chronicles. Scarsbrook will entertain the masses during the official book launch extravaganza April 15 in the back room of The Rivoli at 7 p.m. For $15 you get a copy of the book and a night of entertainment nothing like this. To RSVP send an electronic mail-o-gram to monkeyfacechronicles@gmail.com.

Did You Know...

2010-03-05T10:20:00.000-08:00

...more people are hospitalized from Risk-related fisticuff injuries than from any other board game?

Fear Not Our Wrath By Voting for Fear of Fighting

2010-03-05T06:28:00.000-08:00

The National Post’s Canada Also Reads contest has now entered the voting phase, that beautiful period in which random internet blowhards make their voice heard with the simple click of a button. It’s time for you to be one of those blowhards!

Make sure to read Zoe Whitall's impenetrable, intractable defense of Stacey May Fowles’ Fear of Fighting (and, hey, read the other essays, too), and don’t forget to vote now!

Did You Know...

2010-03-02T08:25:00.001-08:00

...John Mutford’s Book Mine Set is written in an actual mine shaft!

Say what you want about semi-professional book-expert (or bookspert!) John Mutford, he lives by his convictions. His anti-irony, anti-exaggeratory stance is well-known to many within the industry, but his dedication to eliminating brainless audacity from internet web-pages extends far beyond mere words.

You see, while the title of his award-winning themed blog, Book Mine Set, might seem at first to be a clever play on the word mindset, it’s actually not clever at all. No, that simply wouldn’t do for a man who refuses to allow a single absurdity or exaggeration to pass his lips.

That’s right! John Mutford actually writes his blog from inside an abandoned gold mine!

Each morning, at the now-defunct Con Gold Mine in Yellowknife, Mr. Mutford uses a pulley-system he created in his spare time between blog posts to lower himself into the bowels of the Precambrian shield, where, on a ledge in the dark, with only the glow of his laptop screen for light, he composes his eloquent, malapropism-free reviews.

As a Yellowknife-based panelist defending Steve Zipp’s Yellowknife-based novel Yellowknife for the National Post’s Canada Also Reads program, Mutford is broadening his influence—and, hopefully, his earnest, literal manner of thinking. And we here at LWOT will be there to support him every step of the way!

Champions of LWOT: John Mutford

2010-03-01T13:21:00.000-08:00

Superstar blogger John Mutford loves reading books. Canadian books. But if there’s one thing he loves more than reading Canadian books, it’s crusading against one of the most dangerous and prevalent scourges of the internet age: hyperbole.

Yes, in this world of instant communication, any grand claim can be made with brainless audacity. But how many of these claims can be empirically proven?

Northern Saskatchewan’s Most Buttery Perogies? Is the butter content measured by volume or weight? The Biggest Ball of Twine in Tatamagouche? By what zoning laws are you demarcating the borders of Tatamagouche township (because there’s a pretty big ball of twine down the road in Waldegrave)? Even Jack Layton’s boastful claims of having the Most Aerodynamic Moustache in the Toronto-Danforth electoral riding are utterly unverified.

But be not afraid, ye sincere and sober masses! Like famed civil rights lawyer William Kunstler or crusading feminist icon Gloria Steinem, John Mutford is here to right these egregious wrongs!

And we here at LWOT couldn’t agree with him more.

That’s why, in light of our newfound anti-irony stance, LWOT will henceforth be known as The Magazine of Internet Fiction That Provokes Among its Readers Varying Degrees of Like and Dislike!

Also – and this is the exciting part, dear readers – for the next few weeks, as John Mutford takes part in the National Post’s Canada Also Reads competition as a distinguished panelist, LWOT will be abandoning its traditional editorial direction and focus exclusively on bringing you all the John Mutford news that’s fit to be copied and pasted into a pre-existing blog template!

One man is making a heroic effort to rid the internets of hyperbole, irony, and sarcasm, and we’re very excited to be supporting his important cause.

Stay tuned for much more, and don’t forget to check out the left-justified, proof-read stories in the latest issue of LWOT: The Magazine of Internet Fiction That Provokes Among its Readers Varying Degrees of Like and Dislike!

And don’t forget to check out John’s anti-satire headquarters, Book Mine Set.

The LWOT Panel

2010-03-01T07:15:00.000-08:00

We asked our the LWOT Panel: What's the worst thing someone has ever said about one of your artistic endeavors?

Mike Allison - warrior/poet

To preface this story, the 'artistic endeavour' I'm talking about here was a dinner theatre show in Summerside, P.E.I. -- the kind of thing where the actors remain in character all night, serve you dinner at your table, and sing, dance and play their own instruments. It may not be fair to call this 'artistic' since the greatest 'artistic' decision I made on this project was to Google "Funny place names in P.E.I." to see which would get the biggest laughs. (Answers: Crapaud, Tignish, Miscouche.)

The show was called Summerside Night Live and it told the story of a sketch comedy troupe trying to carry on after their leading man goes missing. It was a musical comedy with the sort of dialogue that might have come from a fledgling Norm Foster (which is how I describe myself on my business card). It was quick and funny and had its moments: the underdog got his big break at the end, the bad guy got his comeuppance, and the leading man returned just in time to propose to his sweetheart. All those old chestnuts.

And for $35 you got three hours of live entertainment and a four-course meal including fresh bread and P.E.I. mussels. Even people who didn't care for the show still walked out the door stuffed with a good meal and usually drunk enough to concede it was the finest thing they'd ever seen on a Tuesday night in the basement of a restaurant in Summerside.

But not one guy.

My friend/co-director was picking up some equipment from a local store. A man who worked at the store, let's call him... let's call him "Highlights" because he's the sort of guy who thinks it's reasonable for a man in his late forties to have frosty blonde tips. So Highlights walks up to my friend, knowing he was involved in the local theatre scene, and without provocation went into a tirade on the disaster of a show show he'd recently seen in Summerside. He praised the cast for doing the best they could despite terrible writing and directing, and did not realize he was doing so in front of the co-writer and co-director.

But here's the kicker: the more Highlights went on about how bad it was, the more it became obvious he just didn't 'get' it. He couldn't understand a piece of regional theatre with the plot complexity and thematic depth of an Archie comic.

This is what he couldn't wrap his head around: the play was about a group of actors, which meant that an actor had to play the role of an actor, and this was obviously too much for him. For example, when the director character told the underdog he wasn't good enough, Highlights thought one of the performers was berating another performer in front of the audience and he couldn't understand how someone could drop character like that. Maybe we should have had a note in our programmes reading: "Mark Arsenault from Crapaud is playing the role of Alec, who is an actor in a sketch comedy troupe. WARNING: THERE WILL BE SKETCHES WITHIN THIS PLAY."

Anyway, Highlights went on for ten minutes about how bad the show was, which is:

a). Longer than it took us to write the thing.

b.) Certainly longer than anybody has ever ruminated on the theatrical value of a play during which you can drink buckets of beer.

c.) Definitely longer than he should have complained, given the fact that HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IT WAS ABOUT! Best to keep one's mouth shut and be though a fool than to open it and remove all doubt, Highlights.

To spare Highlights the embarrassment, my friend did not tell him he was speaking to the co-writer/co-director. I, on the other hand, am not so diplomatic, so in response to Highlights' mean-spirited attack on what was merely designed to give tourists a rainy day alternative to mini golf, I wish to say this:

I hope you find yourself at a production of As You LIke It, and the idea of a man playing a woman pretending to be a man pretending to be a woman causes your head to explode.

Richard Scarsbrook - mirth maker

When I toured Manitoba for the Canadian Book Week Tour, a school canceled my appearance at the last minute because my book Cheeseburger Subversive contains. . . (gasp!). . . FOUR-LETTER WORDS!

Never mind that the nefarious four-letter words are spoken by characters who are bullies. I suppose the powers that be at this particular school would have liked it better if I had the bully characters saying things like, "Gosh, would you mind ever so much if I inflated my own self-esteem by subjecting you to taunts and abuse? Oh, thanks very much, old chap!" But NO! Bullies don't say things like that! They say, "I'm gonna kick your ass, cocksucker! Awwww, you gonna cry, ya fuckin' faggot?"

Regardless, these benevolent educators decreed that my book was obscene, despite the fact that the book is actually about a nice-guy main character who sticks to his personal morals and ultimately triumphs over obscenity. I wonder if they teach the concept of IRONY in this school's English classes?

I could have written, "Kids, the word 'fuck' is very, very bad, and you should never ever write it or say it, no matter what!" and they still probably would have canceled my appearance. Apparently the lesson on CONTEXT was also skipped.

I was really angry about this, until another school found out about the cancellation and booked me to speak to their students; apparently, some of them had actually read the story (rather that simply looking at the words). I received cheers for "telling it like it is" and "keeping it real". And Cheeseburger Subversive went on to be nominated for almost every Young Adult book prize in Canada.

So: Tell it like it is. Keep it real. The people who get it will get it. And those who don't? Oh, well.

And to drive my point home, I'll share a shorter, but related story:

I once played drums in a band with a guitarist who, at practices, was always expounding that I was "playing too fast". So I sneaked a metronome into rehearsal once, and when he asked me yet again to slow the tempo, I played it at exactly the same speed.

"Was that better?" I asked.

"Much better," he responded.

Another critic satisfied.

J.A. Tyler - net ball coach

For me, it is more about what people don’t say. You mail them a book and
never hear back. You shoot them a pdf of a manuscript and no comments are
returned. You ask for a blurb and silence prevails. You give
modest-acclaim for a press or a new novel or a publication, and no words
are said back. This to me is the greatest form of devious, devilish
remark. To say nothing about a literary work is, to me, to say everything
negative, all at once, in the loudest voice possible. To say nothing is to
say that this is bad, beyond bad, so bad that nothing in fact can be said
about it. We try to tell ourselves no, don’t worry about it, the email was
dropped, the mail was lost, the conversation was forgotten. It wasn’t. No
no. Their silence means they hated it, they loathed it, they were
disgusted by your words. Enjoy the silence is what I am saying, because it
will ring in your ears forever.

Craig Davidson - wise man

I suppose the meanest thing I ever got was a review ... it was
probably the worst review I've ever gotten, apart from the odd Amazon
screed, and it came in the New York Times on Christmas day, of all
times and places. It was for my first book. My editor called me up and
said, 'Hey, I heard it blowing in the wind that your book's getting a
review in the Times!' And he was excited, naturally, and so was I -
mainly because my editor was a pretty sedate guy and didn't get
overexcited about much. So Christmas comes and before sitting round
the tree with my family, before the presents, before any of all that
good yuletide stuff I head to the NY Times site and check the review
... and it's an absolute earth-scorcher. First of all, they assigned
it to this writer with a feminist outlook - which I have no problem
with, but it seemed to me like you couldn't have picked a reviewer who
would have less of an inclination towards the sort of stuff in the
book. It was like putting a weasel and a hognose adder in a gunny sack
and expecting them to get along. So she hammered the book; she
actually did that thing which I hate in reviews, which is: she took a
sentence I'd written and used it to mock me. The actual quote from the
review (and I hated to look this up to copy and paste, but whatever):

In "On Sleepless Roads," a repo man "wondered what it was about
property seizure that gave rise to soliloquies so melodramatic they'd
embarrass a threepenny hack." Once Davidson can curb the same impulse,
he'll be on his way.

Pretty brutal. But whatever. One needs a leathery hide in this biz.
Mine's pretty leathery, but like everyone, it's got its soft spots.

Stacey May Fowles - first lady of Canadian fiction

"THIS IS NOT ONLY DISGUSTING, IT IS DANGEROUS. THERE IS SOMETHING VERY WRONG WITH PEOPLE WHO ENJOY THIS KIND OF THING. I CONDEMN FOR PUBLISHING THIS CRAP AS A SERIOUS ARTICLE."

Did You Know...

2010-02-19T17:21:00.000-08:00

...David Alan Grier has the fewest Facebook friends of all In Living Color alumnus?

Did You Know...

2010-02-12T17:11:00.000-08:00

...Mark Tewksbury was voted Canada's most annoying Olympian?

Short On List, Long On Talent

2010-02-11T13:58:00.000-08:00

First lady of Canadian fiction Stacey May Fowles has done it again and made the short list in the National Post's Canada Also Reads. Represented with aplomb by Zoe Whittall, Fowles' Fear of Fighting is sure to win over the hearts and minds of those who have a distaste for fisticuffs. Help bash literary ignorance with the mighty fist of poll voting once the discussion starts in March.

The End Is Nigh

2010-02-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the end of LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine...on its old server. To keep up with the rigorous demands of the voracious reading masses LWOT is packing up its stuff and moving it to a new, more glorious server. Over the next few days there may be intermittent outages at Canada's leading fiction magazine, but fear not kind souls for we shall emerge more powerful than you can possibly imagine, like Jesus and Obi-Wan Kenobi combined.

So while our site is under construction, please enjoy this clip from Voltron.

LWOT Recommends...

2010-02-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

...you read World War Z. If you liked Dawn of the Dead and Bad Not Alive you'll love this tale of survival through the grim zombie apocalypse. From start to finish this book has everything for the modern zombie aficionado including undersea adventure, massive zombie battles, courage under zombie pressure and a variety of de-braining techniques. So if you love zombies of every race and nationality you'll cringe at the eye witness accounts told in great detail by the very survivors who struggled against the zombie scourge and came out the other side with their limbs unbitten. Because when there's no more room in hell the dead will walk the Earth and then someone will write a book about it.

400 Issues of LWOT

2010-01-18T10:39:00.000-08:00

LWOT Publishing Company Ltd. presents the 400th issue of Lies With Occasional Truth in full monoscopic sound. This momentous issue uses the latest in 4 bit graphic technology to bring you luminary works from Kenneth Radu, Lindsay Foran, Richard Scarsbrook, Rebecca Chua, Crystal Bourque, Frank Talaber and the LWOT panel.

Save The Cheerleader, Something Something

2010-01-12T10:48:00.000-08:00

The network that brought us Seinfeld and possibly some other memorable shows is in trouble and when a television network gets in trouble LWOT steps up to save the day. Much like the epic late-night talk show battles between Peter Gzowski and Alan Thicke in the mid-80s, NBC has pitted Jay Leno against Conan O'Brien as they search for ways to revive their fortunes. While we don't approve of Conan's attempts to displace us as the new Oprah we do approve of his pale skin and masturbating bear.

But we digress. In the greatest act of civil service since John Sparrow Thompson bedded his wife LWOT offers to save NBC though a plethora of unproduced pilot treatments littering the Sweatlodge floor. Our editorial staff is standing by, waiting for the chance to fill America's prime-time void with well-crafted, taut suspense and comedic genius.

Also, the Beaver is changing its name.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

2010-01-06T10:51:00.000-08:00

As LWOT dives into the new decade we offer up a special gift to our loyal fanbase in the form of this delightful bookmark. Simply use your desktop printing device to make copies of the world's greatest page holder, cut them out and spread them around to people you know and tolerate.

While you're at it take part in LWOT's give a bookmark challenge. To join in the LWOTGBC check the LWOT wlog for the latest targets as we challenge you to hand out these cherished slips of word splattered paper to specific people then take a picture of you giving the bookmark to said person. Sound complicated? It's not so if you think it is you might have vision problems and should get that checked out.

So all you LWOTGBCers your first assignment is to deliver the LWOT bookmark to your favourite local book retailer. Snap your picture, electronic mail it to us and we'll post it on the wlog.

Go forth, be fruitful and spread the LWOT word.

Stop the Press

2010-01-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

Has Mud Luscious Press got a deal for you? The short answer is yes, they do have a deal for you. It's a good one too. Celebrate the spwaning if a new decade with an eye-searing deal on chapbooks from the most genteel man in publishing. For less then the cost of a dozen donuts you can buy a chapbook from the exciting ML Press series. Their perfect bound novellas also make a perfect post-Christmas gift for anyone you didn't buy a present for, but got you one and made you feel guilty.

Tales of the LWOT Bump

2009-12-23T06:13:00.000-08:00

This season give the greatest gift of all with a copy of future best-seller The MonkeyFace Chronicles. Thanks to a brief mention in a previous wlog post Richard Scarsbrook's latest offering soared 1,696,827 places in its Amazon.ca sales rank, which proved the LWOT bump is more powerful than supposed new Oprah Conan O'Brien, Dr. Stephen T. Colbert and Cookie Monster combined.

As your new Oprah, we command you to help propel this fine literary work into the stratosphere of online book sales to make it number one.

Champions of LWOT: Richard Scarsbrook

2009-12-21T10:18:00.000-08:00

My monkeyface. My monkeyface.

In an attempt to out-Oprah Conan O'Brien, the LWOT editors recommend you pre-order Richard Scarsbrook's latest gripping adventure Mokeyface Chronicles. As your new Oprah we command you to help thrust this tale of revenge and redemption from a sales rank of 1,706,907 to #1 on Amazon.ca.

Champions of LWOT: J. A. Tyler

2009-12-17T08:20:00.000-08:00

J.A. Tyler is on his way to becoming the most prolific writer since James Patterson, only better. Read more about this delightful young man (Tyler, not Patterson) in an interview with Dark Sky Magazine.

Tweet! Tweet!

2009-12-15T11:07:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder how far along LWOT's editors are in the submission reading process? Want to know when we're watching a Jays game instead of doing work? Hate Ron James and want to read tweets from someone else who does? Join Fake Tony Clement and follow us on the Twitter.

Champions of LWOT: Craig Davidson

2009-12-13T19:47:00.001-08:00

Craig Davidson moved it on up from Ikea to Ferrari in the latest issue of Driven. Fast forward to this exciting tale of mystery shopping gone right. If you hit the Stephen King interview you've gone too far.

Did You Know...

2009-12-11T08:08:00.000-08:00

...sad people are 30 per cent less likely to smile when they see a kitten or puppy?

A View From The Mop

2009-12-10T19:13:00.000-08:00

Little Words & These Fists in the Air (december)
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

Monica and I when sometimes we fight she raises her fist at me and
sometimes her middle finger too but I just say ‘Jesus’ back at her and
then she quits off. But these guys here in this office where all it is
that they do is read and talk about reading and read about reading they
have been raising their fists at me when I try to take these little scrap
pieces of paper from off of their desks when it seems like all it is, is
trash.

I clean here and the scraps of paper that I see are usually trash even if
they have a number or some words on them. Sometimes just by the waste bin
like they shot for a basket and missed. Sometimes in the toilet and I have
to reach in my hand and get them out. That kind of paper, those kinds of
scraps.

Pick it up and I get these raised balled up fists in the air at me, no
words but a gesture from these goddamn reading filthy readers.

These guys here in this place with Monica and me they must keep
everything. They must in their houses have all the things they have ever
had since when they were little boys and little girls. They must have old
birdcages and tiny baby shoes and empty frames and all kinds of other shit
that most people would know was trash and would put out on the curb or in
the bins but no these folks here they keep it all.

They are having a contest I think who can say the most by using only
little words on little pieces of paper. That would at least make sense,
and then I wouldn’t have to hear the air around their fists moving when
they raise them up at me, telling me without words that I shouldn’t touch
those pieces of paper that look like trash, their noses in books, reading.

I clean here and trash is trash is trash.

Me, I don’t keep anything except for Monica and that’s because we are
married and she only sometimes raises her fist in the air at me and how I
am. I clean but that’s it.

Jove 'Lanky' Lank is one of LWOT's oldest employees and has been cleaning the office since 1967 when he immigrated to Canada from Australia. His rantings first appeared in the pages of LWOT in the April 1974 issue as punishment for accidentally throwing out one of Gradey Alexander's manuscripts. Alexander beleived the embarassment at seeing the "lunatic ravings that are about as palatable as a teaspoon of cat litter mixed with acorns" would lead the janitor to quit in disgrace. Instead "A View From The Mop" went on to become one of the magazine's most popular features.

Stop The Press/Inconceivable Wilson

2009-12-08T11:04:00.000-08:00

The good folks at Mud Luscious have done it again with another outstanding achievement in chapbookery. Not only have they released some of the finest chapbooks in the history of chapbooking, they also collected them into one large chapbook or "anthology."

And while he toiled away to produce this legendary collection, Champion of LWOT J.A. Tyler somehow found the time to write a novel. Tyler's debut novella Inconceivable Wilson is available at the click of this link here.

We're back!

2009-12-05T21:07:00.000-08:00

Well, we didn't really go anywhere, but anyone who tried to read the world's greatest fiction with an Internet browsing program other than Internet Explorer may have run into trouble. Due to unforeseen circumstances and a general lack of knowledge about how the Internet works we were unaware of a problem viewing LWOT. We fixed it though and it won't happen again. We promise.

Did You Know...

2009-12-05T21:01:00.000-08:00

...fruit is the top selling punch flavour?

Did You Know...

2009-11-13T14:56:00.000-08:00

...stormtroopers are jerks?

It's Giller Time!

2009-11-08T09:26:00.001-08:00

There's nothing we like more than a good list, especially short ones and the Scotiabank Giller Prize has come up with a doozie. With a fresh batch of Giller short-listers still cooking in the oven that is Canadian literature, stores across the country are selling out of Giller party goodies.

LWOT is ready for the greatest show on turf and will close the office on Wednesday for the staff to recover from their annual Giller related hangovers. But who will walk away with this year's prize? Will it be managing editor Jared Young who picked last year's winner or former intern Betty McGuinn who quit after a sordid affair with one of our graphic designers, only to return for this year's Giller party? Will they rekindle their romance or will she leave in tears, cursing the man who invented the whiskey sour?

Champions of LWOT: Craig Davidson

2009-10-27T17:13:00.000-07:00

Craig Davidson, Canada's warrior poet, battles his fiercest opponent yet as he takes on Swedish something store Ikea. In this harrowing tale of suspense Davidson straddles the thin line between affordability and comfort in his search for a place to rest his weary bones.

Stop The Press

2009-10-06T15:39:00.000-07:00

Mud Luscious Press, that is.

J.A. Tyler, the mad genius responsible for Someone, Somewhere and the return to popularity of the goatee, brings his latest batch of literary spectacularness to the Internet and the world.

The ninth edition of Mud Luscious features some of the world's most sparkling talents gathered in one shiny electronic place.

As usual Tyler ramps up the excitement to Stephen J. Cannell-esque proportions with a stunning offer on the Mud Luscious chapbook anthology. This stunning volume combines 43 titles in one stunning place for the stunning price of $15.

Did You Know...

2009-09-24T17:19:00.000-07:00

...The Willow Reaver has been burned by more Baptists than any other book written by a northern Canadian author?

Did You Know...

2009-09-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

...in 1964 the Canadian government began a series of experiments on goats meant to produce fortified milk that would counter the effects of radiation in the event of a nuclear war with the Soviet Union. As a result of the experiments 12 so-called "Red Billies" were sent to the provinces and territories to provide protection for the premiers, their cabinets, family members and senior bureaucrats? The last Red Billy died in 1972.

A View From The Mop

2009-09-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

Pre-Orders? & I Eat Air (august)

By Jove "Lanky" Lank

I push the trash along the floor, my broom straight and all these goddamn things all over the floor. Paper cuts and holes, these little dots of stupid punched paper, trash from fast food and all the things they eat here, nothing left for me tonight, no half-sandwiches out on the desks for me to bite.

I clean up their own mess because these pigs here, they don’t know what mud is. Roll around in it pigs, Monica and I will keep your pens clean. This is how we make sense of us, Monica and me, pushing brooms and mops around.

And what I am seeing tonight in all the shit and filth, it is more money more money more money. I was seeing checks the other week, weeks ago, all these checks for a contest, for some panty-waist writer reader to read up all this writing, wishing I had the money in my pockets. But tonight, looking for food to swallow down, what I see are all the order sheets for the next big book coming out, for the next book by the next big asshole, the next novel from some kind of kid in new york pretending he is as poor as we are, Monica and me, eating cheese sandwiches by candle-light, pretending it is romance, chewing with our mouths half open.

Money for something that doesn’t exist, money for a book not even made yet. All this money from people who want to wear a concert t-shirt to the goddamn show, prove they knew the band when you could drinks beers back down your throat with them on stools during an intermission, them playing for the whole night booked up for a six-pack off the ice and a square of table to set their CDs on. That kind of thing.

And tell me, how do I get that gig? How do I get people to hand over their few dollars for something that doesn’t even exist, for something I haven’t made yet, just on the thought that I will? How does that work? It would be a goddamn miracle. Like eating air and getting filled up. Jesus H. Christ, mercy on us please, sometime.

Stop The Press

2009-08-16T17:16:00.000-07:00

Mud Luscious, the rootenest, tootenest short fiction magazine this side of the Mason-Dixon line has revamped its Interweb site to bring you the heartstring tuggingest tales since the last issue of LWOT.

While you're at it, pick up the latest group of chapbooks from ML Press. At a buck a piece it's the best deal since David Copperfield dated Claudia Schiffer.

Did You Know...

2009-07-31T18:11:00.000-07:00

...Nicolas Cage is the 23,752,497th greatest actor of his generation?

Fuck Books: Fucking Beattie Fucking Nails It!

2009-07-14T07:59:00.001-07:00

In his new article for Canadian Notes & Queries, Steven W. Beattie goes all Samuel L. Jackson and joins Stephen Henighan and Stephen Marche as the third snarling dog-head of the anti-establishment shit-talking Cerberus of CanLit.

"Fugitive Pieces is emblematic of a persistent and virulent strain in CanLit: books that rely for their force and effect upon prose of heightened poeticisms and lyrical trills, language predicated upon an accretion of rococo metaphors and cascading adjectival phrases. The none-too-subtle condescension in such writing is easily identifiable by casual or occasional readers, whose impulse upon encountering it is likely to mirror the vituperative two-word epithet in this essay’s title."

Fuck yeah! Bonus profanity points for "rococo"!

LWOT FUN FACT: The title of the post comes from a passage of Nathan Whitlocks's novel A Week of This, en excerpt of which appeared in the January 2008 issue of LWOT.

A View From the Mop

2009-07-02T15:49:00.000-07:00

Contests & My Teeth
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

Monica and me we eat a lot of bread that has been kept in a ball, we have balled it up with our fists, because that keeps it from getting dried out. It is mushy as shit that way, but if the bread gets dried out then we have to crunch through it and Monica and me, we have terrible teeth. Hell, most of my teeth are near gone. My whistle sounds like wind. I need to get them fixed, my teeth, but they cost me too much. Do you know how much they will charge you for one goddamn tooth?

And then I clean this place tonight and what do I see but a stack of checks, a bunch of paper that people have signed and what is it for? So that these idiots here they will read some asshole's story. People pay money to this office, the place Monica and I clean every day, all so that some tight-ass in a suit or a tie or a collared shirt will read their writing and write something back. And I have read what they write back too, like "this needs work, but good effort." Hell, I could write that much and I'm half stupid.

So yeah, send me a check. Goddamn. Send me your pennies and your nickels. I'm not too proud to sit under a tree and put coins into those rolls you get from the bank. I don't mind spending lunch with Monica eating balled up bread and making stacks of pennies. And I will be happy to write you something back. It's not a contest and you can't win anything by paying me, but I will read what you write if you send me a few bucks. I will even say what I think. I am not a good reader but I know about stories and I can say more than just "this needs work, but good effort". And it will maybe be enough to fix my teeth, if everyone sends me a few coins with a paper or two. Send away, because I am tired of chewing just on this one side.

Did You Know...

2009-06-12T15:17:00.000-07:00

...Jack Laviolette holds the record for the most times urinating in the Stanley Cup?

LWOT Presents: Free Stuff!

2009-06-04T12:48:00.000-07:00

OK, so it's more like Mud Luscious Press presents: free stuff, but we're telling you about it/taking credit for it anyway.

J.A. Tyler, Canada's answer to Stephen Leacock, brings the latest offering by former

heavyweight champion Charles Lennox. A Field of Colours is the riveting tale of something, but best of all it's free from the country's greatest small press.

To get your free copy of this extranormal chapbook send an electronic mail communique to author@aboutjatyler.com. Make sure to include your mailing address and while you're at sign up for a complimentary subscription for the low, low price of $36. The subscription entitles you to 18 volumes of ML Press greatness plus their first novella.

If you get one free chapbook by Charles Lennox this year, make it this one.

Did You Know...

2009-05-29T18:45:00.000-07:00

...6 out of 10 anglophones can't spell misanthrope?

Did You Know...

2009-05-15T17:52:00.000-07:00

...Chasing Amy is the second highest grossing non-pornographic movie about lesbians and comic books starring Ben Affleck and Jason Lee?

Northern deLights

2009-05-06T17:08:00.000-07:00

Truck-cessories
By Ashley Keeble

I’m writing this on my blackberry in the waiting room of Andy’s Auto Glass.

My assignment: to blog on the current explosion of culture in Canada’s fastest growing, Fort McMurray, Alberta. My employers assure me this frontier U-turn will soon rival the likes of Thunder Bay, Sherbrooke, and Brandon as a Canadian cultural epicentre.

Highway 63, connecting Fort Mac with Edmonton, is a veritable runway whereupon the latest trends in truck fashion are flaunted. On this runway, it’s all about accessories. I compare it to dressing up a suit: A man needs the right tie; the right pocket square; the right shoes and cufflinks, because every suit is essentially the same (I’d be going to fashion hell for making that statement if I weren’t already here). Likewise, when outfitting his truck, a man needs the accessories that best express who he is because he has such a limited choice in body style – Chevrolet or Ford only! Foreign trucks are so gauche here.

The current hot trend in truck accessories: Truck Nutz, because there’s no better way to express manliness than a set of metal testicles hanging off your trailer hitch. Andy here at the shop says Truck Nutz are uber chic this season (my words, not his). He goes on to say that while such things are not his bag (his words; I would never make that joke) it is not at all overkill to attach a giant set of copper cajones to a truck with sixty inch tires, two snowmobiles in the bed, and a cowcatcher/winch on the front bumper.

Do they look good? I admit I was so entranced by the shiny set of stones adorning the monster Ford in front of me that when it came to an abrupt stop, they tea-bagged the windshield of my Prius. The damage was considerable, because as the website touts, Truck Nutz are guaranteed not to break under the lifetime “Takes a licking” guarantee.

Andy predicts that next season’s discriminating truck-cessorizers will opt for semi-truck-style exhaust stacks.

Did You Know...

2009-05-01T12:02:00.000-07:00

...Ron James is terrible?

LWOT Condemns...

2009-04-23T11:55:00.000-07:00

...the CBC for giving more air time to Ron James.

In what can only be an attempt by the public broadcaster to show how devastating theit latest attempts to save money have been, the CBC will include James' latest offering in the their fall lineup.

The man Gradey Alexander once referred to as "about as funny as my latest prostate issues, if my prostate grated on the nerves with inane chatter and an imbecilick accent. How his meager talents have managed to propel him onto the national stage boggles the mind, much in the same way my enlarged prostate has boggled my ability to get an accurate read on my urinary needs," has somehow finagled his way onto TV for another chance to dig a deeper pit in which to bury Canadian television.

While it is still unclear how James' unique brand of comedic hackery will save the struggling network, the LWOT editors assume it won't be good.

A View From the Mop

2009-04-18T13:14:00.000-07:00

Bookmarks & Jesus
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

I am eating half of a sandwich that one of these the guys who work here left on his desk when he took off in his BMW or his fancy-pants car that probably has seats that warm themselves of some other goddamn thing. I drive an American eagle. Tan. Hell of a car. Chugs gas like a champ and takes all those hills like it was dying. A car I can relate to, my car, old and built to last like me and my Monica, the way we keep going on no matter what.

This thing is roast beef and with some kind of dipping thing that was left in one of those Styrofoam containers, and it was still warm when I touched it and I’m not picky anyway, because Monica her cooking is sh_t. She cleans good and makes half our money so I eat nice and try not to say anything bad about her. Monica, always in the kitchen bent over the stove. Je__s.

But I spill which isn’t that big of a thing anyway because here I am with half a half-eaten sandwich in my mouth and holding in my hands the rags and a bottle of cleaner so really a spill here is nothing, especially like now, when no one is around and you can eat their leftover food and whatnot. But of course like it would it spills out and onto their paperwork which tonight is all of these g__d_mn bookmarks. Bookmarks for everything, stamped and written on and with all kinds of drawings and pictures. Like anyone cares about marking a book anyway. H_ll, I don’t even read that much, what in god’s name do they need so many bookmarks for?

So some make it into the trash, they won’t miss them. Must be a dozen or more bookmarks on this one desk alone. Like they read that much, these a__holes that work here. They don’t read, they eat sandwiches. That’s what they do, all these people here before they leave in their slick little cars going home to their mansions. Bookmark me here, how about that, otherwise I have to go home to Monica’s green chile again. J__us.

Did You Know...

2009-04-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

...the diaphragm is the only birth control method approved by the Catholic church?

LWOT asks...

2009-04-06T15:43:00.000-07:00

...does Michael Chabon's website suck or is it a work of genius?

First appearing in the pages of Lies With Occasional Truth in 1934, "LWOT asks " gave readers a chance to voice their opinions on a variety of subjects considered "important" to the magazine's sexiest readers. The most popular questions elicited thousands of repsonse letters. LWOT continues the tradition with the fabled feature's inclusion on the world's greatest web log and invites readers to respond the pressing questions in the post's comment section.

Did You Know...

2009-04-03T15:38:00.000-07:00

...Richard Bachman is the second best selling novelist of all time in Fiji?

Yes We Can't

2009-04-01T06:43:00.000-07:00

Those who can do. Those who can't give up and move on to something else.

They also teach.

As Canada's foremost purveyors of literay wisdom the LWOT editors announce the launch of the LWOT Writing School. In a re-imagining of the original LWOT School for the Literarily Inept, the LWOTWS provides writers with expert tutelage in their pursuit of fame from the wrtitten word.

Based out of the magazine's world headquarters in Moncton, N.B. the LWOTWS will send one of our skilled tutors to your home where they will mentor you in the ways of the pen for one week*. Your LWOTWS tutor will bask in the warm glow of your guest room or couch as they study every aspect of your life in search of the key to unlocking your inner Ernest Buckler.

During our tutor's stay, they will prod you with gentle criticism while feasting on the leftovers in your fridge. Daily sessions will teach you how to hone your skills, sharpen your prose and entertain a house guest.

There are a limited number of tutoring sessions available this year so book early by emailing us at lwoteditors@gmail.com**.

*One business week, not calendar week.

**The $10,000 tutoring fee does not include round-trip airfare for the LWOTWS instructor. Price of airfare may vary depending on the season and your distance from Moncton.

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-03-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

In honour of LWOT's 100th year of publishing greatness, the editors compiled a list of the 100 greatest and 100 worst things the human race witnessed during the periodical's tenure as the world's greatest fiction magazine.

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now emulate the greats by reading:

The 100 Greatest Things

59. The HMS Hood

58. Schwartz's Montreal Hebrew Delicatessen: Although we have a hard time believing Rusty Staub ate there, not much can beat Schwartz's smoked meat.

57. Supermarine Spitfire

56. Sleeman's Honey Brown Lager

55. Nestel Quick

The 100 Worst Things

59. Spray on hair

58. Veggie burgers

57. Harlequin Romance: The literary version of tribbles. They might look good on the outside, but there are so many of them they have no value. They also make Klingons mad.

56. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame

55. William Lyon MacKenzie King: He robbed Arthur Meighen of his rightful place as Prime Minister.

Stop the Press

2009-03-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

From visionary raconteur J. A. Tyler comes the latest bout of small, tightly packed fiction at Mud Luscious Press. For a limited time only, ML Press, known affectionately as "the Lush", is selling six-month subscriptions for $36. For less than the price of a cup of coffee a day, you could own 18 chapbooks.

But wait, there's more.

If you buy the six-month subscription, "The Lush" will throw in its first perfect bound novella.

Don't delay. Order now.

Did You Know...

2009-03-20T16:12:00.000-07:00

...98 per cent of all virgins have never done business with Richard Branson?

A View From the Mop

2009-03-16T17:11:00.000-07:00

Pose-Modern & Monica
By Jove "Lanky" Lank

My girl Monica, she doesn’t speak a g__mn word of english, but she cleans toilets pretty good. She wears a straw hat when she vacuums and the people around here when they stay late they try to be nice, say hi, but they always call her Maria. She doesn’t understand a g___mn word they say to her so she just says hi, hola, and goes back to the toilets and the backpack vacuum.

Tonight on a desk I was cleaning with a rag and a bottle in my hands I saw this thing said pose-modern or I don’t know what but I can’t tell who the f__k cares about this shit when the governments are bailing out all the car-makers and banks. An uncle I have was replaced by a robot that turns screws and my grandfather had to go when they figured out that all the s__t he did was s__t anyone else could do but for probably cheaper. I clean the s__t here but who knows for how long.

But this pose-modern thing or whatever it was, I picked it up like I do around here, pick up people’s things when they aren’t looking and shake them sometimes, this stack of pages I sat and read because it looked rough like it had a real going over from the a__holes around this pretend office and I couldn’t find my way out of it. Crows and fish and rocks and people without names, all this her and him and she and whatever.

I’ve never seen a moon that is a fish or any g___amn thing. Every time I look at the moon its either full or its not or it is a sliver. And yes it shines but it isn’t a lighthouse or a woman’s face or a door to some place. Pose-modern I don’t even know what the f__k that means when people are losing their jobs and my girl Monica is stuck wiping up toilets for people who think her name is Maria but don’t care anyway because she just smiles and waves to them with her pudgy little fingers. J__us f__k C__st.

Jared Young Gets Interviewed

2009-03-10T12:26:00.000-07:00

LWOT Editor Jared Young is interviewed in the latest issue of On Spec Magazine. Peer into the dark psyche of one-half of the eponymous LWOT braintrust, and behold such terrifying insights as:

"You know how Michael Jordan was a great basketball player, but he always wanted to be a great baseball player? But then it turned out that he really sucked at baseball? That’s kind of like me. I write, but my secret second passion is comic book art. I’d love to write or draw comics for a living."

Cringe at such disturbing revelations as:

"When I was in junior high I was obsessed with Michael Crichton. I used to write airport paperback novels. I’d design the covers with a little picture and my name in massive letters."

Not yet frightened away? Then buy On Spec, the World's Second Greatest Fiction Magazine, on newsstands now.

Knowledge Is Power

2009-03-05T13:40:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder when LWOT published it's first issue or how many of Farley Mowatt's ties we have behind glass in our office? The world's greatest fiction magazine has expanded its presence on the Interweb with LWOTepidia: The World's Greatest Wiki. As valued members of the LWOT Army we invite you to join us in celebrating all things occasionally truthful as we chronicle the world's greatest fiction magazine's achievements over the last century. Learn about the fabled magazine as we build an extensive collection of LWOT "facts" in the largest repository of lies with occasional truthness since former editor Michael Millbury's failed 42 volume Encyclopedia LWOTica.

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-03-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

The 100 Greatest Things

64. Talkies

63. The slide rule

62. Stu "The Kid" Ungar: He once took Darren O'Groussny for $27,000 in a hand at the Bellagio.

61. Star Wars ASCII: It's like Star Wars, only is ASCII form. Just type telnet towel.blinkenlights.nl in the "run" option on your computer.

60. Turtle neck sweaters

The 100 Worst Things

64. Jiffy Lube: It's not as exciting as it sounds.

63. The Fox Puck: For everyone who was incapable of grasping the simple concept of following a black puck on a white sheet of ice. As Mordecai Richler once said, " The Americans can't enjoy a good Cuban cigar, but they've somehow let this abomination slip through."

62. Government cheese

61. Good Housekeeping: The magazine, not the practice of maintaining a home.

60. Dehumidifiers

Did You Know...

2009-02-20T06:43:00.000-08:00

...the boardgame Risk is the leading cause of divorce in Indiana?

Friends in High Places

2009-02-18T15:42:00.000-08:00

After a century of leaning to the right, LWOT has once again captured the attention of Canada's movers and shakers. From our autographed Arthur Meighan memoirs lost in the "Great Fire" to the infamous "Clark, that's who" campaign, Lies With Occasional Truth has trumpeted the real natural ruling party.

The world's greatest fiction magazine continues to sway the powers that be through the Twitter. Industry Minister Tony Clement now follows LWOT in what we can only assume is a fact finding mission before the next round of senatorial appointments.

You too can follow us on our micro-wlog by clicking here.

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-02-17T10:43:00.000-08:00

The 100 Greatest Things

69. Sepak tekraw

68. KISS

67. Ian Wright: The irrascible adventurer from Pilot Guides.

66. Hulkamania

65. Salt and vinegar chips

The 100 Worst Things

69. Tiger Woods: He knows why.

68. Maroon 5

67. Genetically modified canola

66. Canasta

65. Dehumidifiers

Did You Know...

2009-02-13T18:54:00.000-08:00

...the tangerine is the most sung about about fruit?

Did You Know...

2009-02-06T15:57:00.000-08:00

...Queen Elizabeth II is the longest reigning Taurus?

Did You Know...

2009-01-30T16:52:00.000-08:00

...John Diefenbaker scrapped the Arrow because a Ouija board told him to?

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-01-29T12:11:00.000-08:00

The 100 Greatest Things

74. The rythmic stylings of John Bonham.

73. Yvon Durelle: He came within seconds of beating Archie Moore and is rumoured to be the inspiration for Rocky.

72. Transformers: Magnificent mechanical creations from back when kids had to use their imaginations.

71. Day of the Triffids

70. Nintendo Entertainment System: It made Mario super and lead to an eponymous thumb disorder.

The 100 Worst Things

74. Charity ribbons: A clever ploy devised by lace synidcates in the early 1970s. They do nothing to raise awareness and cost more to make than they bring in with donations.

73. GoBots: They could fly in robot form, but still transformed to get around. Their vehicle forms served no utilitarian purpose.

72. Teachers telling kids not to look at an eclipse: 27,328 kids blinded themselves looking into the sun since the practice started in 1931.

71. E.T. for the Atari 2600: A maddening game that made no sense and brought about Atari's demise.

70. Expo '67

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-01-19T17:09:00.000-08:00

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now, accelerate your excitement with:

The 100 Greatest Things

79. House, M.D.: He's a cantankerous bastard who doesn't grow as a person. Would be much higher on the list if Kumar hadn't joined the cast.

78. Daredevil: The man without fear.

77. Pumphouse Blueberry Ale: Brewed in Moncton's favourite watering hole, it's best served in a yard glass and enjoyed while sitting in one of the pub's wooden barrel booths. Amateur sleuths have spent hours looking for Gradey Alexander's last drunken grafiti in the Hub City.

76. Kevin Smith: He wrote the greatest joke in movie history. "In prison he'll be the pie."

75. Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese

The 100 Worst Things

79. Global television networks

78. Plague City: A terrible made for TV movie that lead to the most irritating commercials starring the blond woman from Men With Brooms.

77. Africa: Worst continent ever.

76. The Tet Offensive

75. Rice pudding in a cup

Did You Know...

2009-01-16T16:07:00.000-08:00

...Filliam H. Muffman is the second most popular Hollywood super couple behind Harrista Flockhord.

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-01-15T12:22:00.000-08:00

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now, indulge your killer instinct on:

The 100 Greatest Things

84. Cumberland Colchester Musquodoboit Valley MP Bill Casey: He stuck it to Stephen Harper and became the most popular man in Nova Scotia. In the last election Casey beat his closest rival by over 20,000 votes.

83. Deadwood: The TV show, not rotting trees.

82. Pixie sticks

81. The 1934 Stanley Cup finals

80. Saturn rockets

100 Worst Things

84. Lisa episodes

83. Greedo shooting first

82. Leaded gasoline

81. Tunagate

80. Texas Instruments calculators

Did You Know...

2009-01-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

...Matt Frewer was the 472nd Canadian to play a zombie?

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-01-06T11:29:00.000-08:00

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now, indulge your killer instinct on:

The 100 Greatest Things

89. The Owl and the Man: It's about an owl and a man. When you're a man who can't sleep it's good to have a friend that's an owl.

88. Watership Down: It's about rabbits. Killer rabbits who terrorize a village or something like that.

87. Widgets in Guinness: They produce a magical waterfall in your glass to mesmerize and amaze.

86. "The Professor" Dai Vernon

85. The USS Enterprise

The 100 Worst Things

89. The Da Vinci Code

88. The King-Byng Affair: Not as sexy as it sounds.

87. Margaret Atwood: Pretty much as sexy as it sounds.

86. Every Wayan brother since Keenan Ivory

85. Haley's comet

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2009-01-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now, indulge your primal urges on:

The 100 Greatest Things

94. The metric system: School children no longer have memorize a complex set of conversion numbers. After decades of widespread use old people still haven't figured out temperatures in Celcius, much to the delight of anyone under the age of 40.

93. The Toronto Blue Jays: They're the team that brought us two World Series wins and the one with McCain punch.

92. William George Barker

91. Pinball machines

90. Effective birth control methods: You know why.

The 100 Worst Things

94. John Connor teaching the Terminator to smile: There were so many great things about Terminator 2: Judgement Day and James Cameron almost ruined them all with his hokie attempt to humanize an unstoppable killing machine.

93. Arthur Meighen: He was voted both the least effective and squintiest eyed prime minister.

92. Madonna: We're not saying she ruined Guy Ritchie's career, but it went downhill once they got married and picked up again during their impending divorce.

91. SARS masks

90. Shredded wheat

100 Years of Greatness/Awfulness

2008-12-28T07:36:00.000-08:00

For suspensful purposes and due to our eccentric nature, the list will be drawn out as a 10-20 part series.

And now, feast your frontal lobes on:

The 100 Greatest Things

100. The Diefenbunker: Concrete bunkers scattered across the country gobbled up tax dollars, but left us with a brilliant play on words.

99. Cornish game hens

98. Sesame Street: With a sponsor like the letter Q behind it, there was no way the show could fail.

97. String theory

96. "The Wrench" Ed Werenich (not to be confused with Frank Wrench)

95. The Mendoza Line

The 100 Worst Things

100. Halogen light bulbs: Fingerprints are their kryptonite. Halogen lamps are designed to make it almost impossible to install the bulb without touching them, which renders them useless. Like the Human Torch, they can also set things on fire if you're not careful.

99. The Chrysler LeBaron

98. Electron microscopes

97. The death of Vaudeville

96. Just For Laughs Gags: This may be a gross generalization, but Quebec comedy writers are no good at everything.

95. Jell-O jigglers

Way Too Late For Christmas

2008-12-17T15:38:00.000-08:00

If you left all your Christmas shopping until the last minute, this offer won't help you one bit.

Jerome Athabasca Tyler, vagabond heart and amateur stylographer, brings a delectable blend of medium fiction to the world through Mud Luscious Press. The handsomest man in independent publishing delivers spectactularness through limited edition chapbooks at cut throat prices.

For less than the cost of a Quarter Pounder with Cheese a day, you can build your collection of quality literature and feel good about yourself. Order today and avoid the Groundhog Day rush.

LWOT's 100 Year Anniversarytacular!

2008-12-15T16:57:00.000-08:00

The moment you've all been waiting for has finally arrived. Lies With Occasional Truth rings in 100 years of literary excellentment with a super-sized double issue, delivered fresh to your retinas via cathode ray tubes and liquid crystal displays. The world's greatest fiction magazine joins the cultural zeitgeist with works from some of the country's finest writers including:

Matthew R. Loney's A Severed Arm.

Andre Narbonne's Freak of Nature.

B. Glen Rotchin's Salesmanship.

Brad Congdon's Sullivan vs. Kilrain 1889.

Kyle Cornett-Ching's Words.

Kathryn Mockler's Sealed Containers.

J. A. Tyler's vision of LWOT's legacy.

Testimonials from some of LWOT's greatest contributors including first lady of Canadian fiction Stacey May Fowles, "Gentleman" Glen Dresser, literary Casanova Ross Bragg and Carin "The Australian Wonder" Makuz.

And the long awaited results of the Next Great Canadian TV Show competition.

As if all that literary greatness wasn't enough to overload your cerebrum with extramonial literaturitude, the LWOT editors have announced the "winner" of the most mediocre Canadian competition. As Harperchondria swept the nation, hundreds of Canadians cast their vote for the most average of us all. For months, the debate raged on at kitchen tables and water coolers around the country. Now you can read the results.

Did You Know...

2008-12-12T16:42:00.000-08:00

...Manitoba receives the most freezing rain or "frain" of all the prairie provinces.

Broken Sofa Tony Danza

2008-12-09T15:55:00.000-08:00

Let the games begin.

Broken Pencil, one of the country's top purveyors of literaturitude seeks entries in its indie writers deathmatch. Through the wonders of democracy, readers will choose a winner through a no holds barred vote on the magazine's website. If you think your short fiction has the chops, the gusto, the gumption and/or the moxy to take on all comers submit it to Broken Pencil before the new year.

"Sexiest" "Man" "Alive"?

2008-11-19T12:08:00.000-08:00

In a travestity reminiscent of Chiron's defeat of Ephesius at Thermopalae, People Magazine did not choose either of the LWOT editors as the sexiest man alive. Instead, the "lauded" periodical showed its bias against Canadians and beards when they chose Australian Hugh Jackman, despite his appearance in Viva Laughlin.

Worst News Ever!

2008-11-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

In response to the global economic crisis NBC has greenlighted a new Rosie O'Donell variety show. The world is expected to leak salty discharge from its collective eyes in terror and vomit in anguish.

Happy Birthday To...

2008-11-12T14:42:00.001-08:00

...Neil Young.

If our math is right, the Canadian icon and Most Mediocre Canadian non-nominee turns 63 today. We assume Young celebrated his birthday in what we imagine is typical Neil Young fashion by rocking out in his basement, eating an entire Dairy Queen Blizzard cake and playing with his trains before breaking out his acoustic guitar and playing a mellow tune about impeaching Bush.

Fellow songster Bob Dylan marked the day with a visit to Young's boyhood home in Winnipeg. Hilarity ensued.

This Day In LWOT History...

2008-10-21T17:04:00.000-07:00

Oct. 21, 2008

The LWOT editors notice they haven't updated their blog in a while so they write a meaningless post to fill some space.

The short missive is sent through cyberspace and into RSS feeds around the world. Members of the LWOT Army® race to their computers in frenzied attempts to be the first to hear the latest news, only to walk away in bitter disappointment.

Did You Know...

2008-10-10T12:55:00.000-07:00

...Vatican City is the country with the highest voter turnout.

Did You Know...

2008-10-03T12:12:00.000-07:00

...Stephen Harper crushes his opponents under his meaty, well-manicured hands.

The World's Second Greatest Fiction Magazine

2008-09-30T17:53:00.001-07:00

Literary icon J.A. Tyler brings some of the most intense, pleasure creating short fiction to the electronic page with the latest issue of Mud Luscious. Feast your brain today as you wait for the 100th anniversary issue of LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine.

This Day In LWOT History

2008-09-24T15:45:00.000-07:00

Sept. 24, 1980

The office of Lies With Occasional Truth is dubbed "The Sweat Lodge" by the magazine's then editorial team.

In his position as managing editor for less than a year, Gradey Alexander was determined to improve productivity and leave his mark on the historic periodical. Alexander despised his predecessor Oswald McGinley and wanted to rid the office of any remnants of the jovial atmosphere established by McGinley.

To do so, Alexander established a new policy under which anyone caught turning the heat below 35 degrees celcius would be summarily fired. While the rest of the staff laboured in the intense heat, Alexander lounged in his office with the window open and worked in comfort.

Staffers didn't take it seriously, at first, but after five weeks of sweaty work days under a mandatory shirt and tie dress code they began to question Alexander's sanity. Since the written policy had no mention of pants, the men soon started to take them off as soon as they reached their desks. They worked in their boxers through the winter and into the spring. It's believed Alexander never moved to enforce a fully panted rule because the women tended to wear short skirts and low cut blouses in an attempt to stave off heat stroke.

The policy continued for almost a year until the extreme humidity made the wooden frames on the windows in Alexander's office swell and wedged them shut. After 10 minutes he emerged from his office, sweat dripping from his caterpillar-like mustache. He posted a handwritten note next to the thermostat with new orders to "keep the blasted heat off if you value your careers and your wives value your nether parts."

In one of Alexander's many financial blunders as head of the magazine, the drafty building's oil consumption almost doubled during the early Sweat Lodge era.

Long after the policy ended, LWOT editors continue the tradition of working in a dress shirt, tie and boxers as a sort of unofficial uniform. Like the famed Marvel Bullpen, LWOT became known for its Sweat Lodge and included it in occasional issues with a segment called "Visions From the Sweat Lodge."

Did You Know...

2008-09-19T12:44:00.000-07:00

...Ganesh dolls outsell Barbies in India 3-1.

Dispatches From the Prime Minister

2008-09-15T14:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. Harper,

Hello again from LWOT Magazine. As part of our ongoing election coverage we would like to know what is happening with the investigation into Conservative election spending? This summer, it was reported a party official told witnesses not to appear before the committee looking into the matter. What happened to the committee once you called the election?

Sincerely
the LWOT editors
www.lwot.net
lwot.blogspot.com

On Mon, Sep 15, 2008 at 10:20 AM, Prime Minister/Premier ministre wrote:

Please know that your e-mail message has been received in the Prime Minister's Office and that your comments have been noted. Our office always welcomes hearing from correspondents and being made aware of their views.

Thank you for writing.

Sachez que le Cabinet du Premier ministre a bien reçu votre courriel et que nous avons pris bonne note de vos commentaires. Nous aimons être bien informés de l'opinion des correspondants.

Je vous remercie d'avoir écrit au Premier ministre.

Total days response time: 1

Dispatches From the Possibly Next Prime Minister's Aide

2008-09-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Mr. Dion,
As you know, LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine is one of the leading forces in the Canadian arts scene. As part of our election coverage we are contacting each of the candidates with regards to a number of issues.

The Conservatives made big cuts to arts funding this year. What is the Liberal plan for arts funding?

We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely
The LWOT editors

Liberal Party of Canada

81 Metcalfe Street, Suite 400

Ottawa, Ontario K1P 6M8

September 11, 2008

Dear LWOT editors,

Enclosed, please find the Liberal Party response to your questionnaire.

For more information on the Liberal Party of Canada’s vision for Canada, please take a

moment to review our platform online at www.liberal.ca. This document provides details

on Liberal goals and priorities.

On behalf of our Leader, Stéphane Dion, and the entire Liberal team, thank you for

writing to identify the major concerns of your membership. We appreciate your interest

in the Liberal Party’s policies as they relate to the issues which affect you.

Sincerely,

Doug Ferguson, President

Liberal Party of Canada

A Liberal Response to the LWOT: The World’s Greatest Fiction Magazine

1. The Conservatives made big cuts to arts funding this year. What is the

Liberal plan for arts funding?

The Liberal Party of Canada will reverse all the cuts made to arts funding by the

Conservatives and in some instances increase funding.

We have already committed to restore international promotion of Canadian arts and

culture through the Public Diplomacy Program (PDP) cut by the Conservatives in 2006.

This is an investment of $11.8 million. As well, the Liberal Party would also increase the

funding for international arts touring and promotion by $11 million over 3 years.

The Liberal Party believes the federal government has a role to play in supporting our

artistic and cultural community; both of which are key to Canada’s social and economic

success, and international reputation.

Total days response time from the Liberal Party: three

Dispatches From the Prime Minister's Office

2008-09-10T12:48:00.000-07:00

On Mon, Sep 8, 2008 at 6:39 PM, Lies With Occasional Truth
lwoteditors@gmail.com wrote:

Mr. Harper,
As you know, LWOT: The World's Greatest Fiction Magazine is one of the
leading forces in the Canadian arts scene. As part of our election coverage
we are contacting each of the candidates with regards to a number of issues.

There have been reports of Conservative candidates saying they were told
not to speak to the media. With such a short campaign why would the
Conservative party muzzle its candidates?

We look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely
The LWOT editors

Mr. Harper,
The Conservatives said Elizabeth May should not be included in the televised
debate because the Green Party and Liberals have the same platform. What
policies do the two parties share?

Sincerely
The LWOT editors
www.lwot.net

On Wed, Sep 10, 2008 at 2:45 PM, Prime Minister/Premier ministre wrote:

Thank you for writing.

Sachez que le Cabinet du Premier ministre a bien reçu votre courriel et que nous avons pris bonne note de vos commentaires. Nous aimons être bien informés de l'opinion des correspondants.

Je vous remercie d'avoir écrit au Premier ministre.

Total days response time from the PMO: two

I Have a Feeling I Can't Win, says Harper

2008-09-09T08:35:00.000-07:00

With an incomplete quote taken out of context, Prime Minister Stephen Harper may have admitted his doubts about the looming election.

During a press conference earlier today, Harper evaded a reporter's question about his thoughts on agriculture and left many to speculate on how his remarks will affect the rest of the campaign.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2008-09-08T14:48:00.000-07:00

Lies With Occasional Truth has been an active prognosticator in every federal election since Robert Borden became the first Nova Scotian with a mustache to become prime minister.

This election season, LWOT is ramping up its coverage with in-depth attempts to contact the potential future leaders of the glorious nation of Canada.

Keep your eyelids peeled back as you watch our wlog for pending electionorial updates.

Did You Know...

2008-08-29T15:37:00.000-07:00

...Kermit the Frog was modeled after the Phyllobates terribilis, one of the most poisonous frogs in the world. Before his days on Sesame Street, Kermit appeared in patriotic comic books as a Nazi hunter who killed his enemies with his toxic skin.